Tuesday 13th December. This was the day my tree got called small. Not just small, but SO small.
This was going to give me sleepless nights. I had invested in a fake tree. Unlike fake news, there is actually some substance to a fake tree. It exists. Only this one, the one I had purchased online, thinking that I had achieved something rather clever, was not quite how it looked. So the element of fake, I suppose, permeates even Christmas trees.
Now, back to whether my tree was small, so small or just plain, too small. I fear the latter.
Unbeknown to me, there is a formula for determining the size of a tree proportionate to the room. It involves height, and a minimum depth. No one considers that there might be tall skinny trees. All trees, as they get taller, they widen proportionally. Really?
According to the websites, touting the benefits of needle-free trees - none of which include my Alt-stick-tree - the top of the tree should be 1.5-0.5 ft from the ceiling. Whoops.
According to the website:
How to Decorate, my old 7ft tree, stuffed on the top shelf in the basement storeroom, is closer to the correct size for the room/house. Although I hasten to add, I did not get the masking tape out and measure down 1.5ft from the ceiling.
Who in their right mind does that?
But the trouble with my old tree is that it is old. Gosh, am I becoming more consumerist in wanting new all the time? Last time I used it, it made me itch. And, the fake needles fell off. So much for a needle-free Christmas.
Next, I considered the real tree that I had decadently purchased last year. Decadent, as while they grow quickly, fir trees do little to combat global warming, the needles are not wide enough to photosynthesise in a manner that puts back more oxygen into the atmosphere.
The tree did shed some of its needles, but not so many that it made such a huge difference, compared to the old 7ft tree, The needle-free Christmas argument was waning.
The benefits of a fake tree are that you can recycle it, year after year - or for a number of years before it makes you itch and the fake needles do fall off.
The real tree needs to be disposed of. Far East Flora where I purchased the tree last year, offer a recycling service. However, rather than recycling the tree for something useful, I had to pay for it to be used to make electricity.
So much for being eco-friendly with my real tree.
The real tree was 6ft. So, essentially, if I follow the How to Decorate website, it was too short. Nevertheless, for the floor space, it was perfect.
I am beginning to sound like a
busy-mama-consumer website for purchasing Christmas trees. My Bah Humbug is missing.
Not for long.
I was too busy this year to stop and wander around the plant place to purchase another not-hugely-needle-dropping tree that would be made into firewood in early January. I purchased online. Saved me time, petrol and aggro.
I hummed, and hah'd about how tall my tree should be. It could not be 7ft. I did not want it making me itch again. 6ft seemed a good size, so I ordered the 5ft one. I am not sure why, but I did. Maybe I had austerity carols ringing in my ears? Maybe reading A Christmas Carol with my students had set me down the slippery slope of not giving a boiled sweet about Christmas. Or maybe I simply wanted a slightly less obtrusive tree?
And that, is why my 5ft tree is on a stand, to make it appear 6ft when it is not.
Although, somehow, it still did not fool my Kindergarten pupil. She knew it was short.
Bah flipping Humbug to that.
And so, arose the question of why we put fairies on Christmas trees. And fairies that show their bums because there are not enough feathers to cover their backsides. Somehow, that reminiscence of childhood will remain with me forever.
